How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
What do people in China call their good plates?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
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