If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Half the people you know are below average.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What do people in China call their good plates?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Is there another word for synonym?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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