Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Half the people you know are below average.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Is there another word for synonym?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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