If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
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