If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Half the people you know are below average.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do people in China call their good plates?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
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