With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is there another word for synonym?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
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