A backwards poet writes inverse.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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