Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is there another word for synonym?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Half the people you know are below average.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
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