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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

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