Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is there another word for synonym?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Half the people you know are below average.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
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