If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is there another word for synonym?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A backwards poet writes inverse.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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