All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Is there another word for synonym?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What do people in China call their good plates?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
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