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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What do people in China call their good plates?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is there another word for synonym?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Half the people you know are below average.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

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