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The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Half the people you know are below average.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

What do people in China call their good plates?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Is there another word for synonym?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

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