Select Page

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Half the people you know are below average.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

What do people in China call their good plates?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Is there another word for synonym?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.