A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Is there another word for synonym?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do people in China call their good plates?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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