A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Half the people you know are below average.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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