Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Half the people you know are below average.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Is there another word for synonym?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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