If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Is there another word for synonym?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
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