A backwards poet writes inverse.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is there another word for synonym?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What do people in China call their good plates?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
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