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If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Is there another word for synonym?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Half the people you know are below average.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

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