Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do people in China call their good plates?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is there another word for synonym?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Half the people you know are below average.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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