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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Half the people you know are below average.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Is there another word for synonym?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

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