You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Half the people you know are below average.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
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