How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Half the people you know are below average.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Is there another word for synonym?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
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