Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Half the people you know are below average.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Is there another word for synonym?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
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