The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
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