Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is there another word for synonym?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Half the people you know are below average.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
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