Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Half the people you know are below average.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What do people in China call their good plates?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Is there another word for synonym?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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