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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Half the people you know are below average.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Is there another word for synonym?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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