What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Half the people you know are below average.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Is there another word for synonym?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
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