Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Is there another word for synonym?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Half the people you know are below average.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
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