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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Half the people you know are below average.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Is there another word for synonym?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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