A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Is there another word for synonym?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Half the people you know are below average.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
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