If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Is there another word for synonym?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Half the people you know are below average.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
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