If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What do people in China call their good plates?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Is there another word for synonym?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
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