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The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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