The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Is there another word for synonym?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
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