A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Is there another word for synonym?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Half the people you know are below average.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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