One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Half the people you know are below average.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
What do people in China call their good plates?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Is there another word for synonym?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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