How is it possible to have a civil war?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Is there another word for synonym?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Half the people you know are below average.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
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