How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Is there another word for synonym?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Half the people you know are below average.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
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