If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
A backwards poet writes inverse.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
What do people in China call their good plates?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Half the people you know are below average.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
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