I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Is there another word for synonym?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Half the people you know are below average.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
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