Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Is there another word for synonym?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do people in China call their good plates?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Select what you want to see from the menu below.
Click on the foremost image to enlarge or to see more information.