The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
What do people in China call their good plates?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Is there another word for synonym?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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