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I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Half the people you know are below average.

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

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