I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
What do people in China call their good plates?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
Is there another word for synonym?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Half the people you know are below average.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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