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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

What do people in China call their good plates?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Half the people you know are below average.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Is there another word for synonym?

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

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