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Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Alarms: What an octopus is.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Is there another word for synonym?

Half the people you know are below average.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

A backwards poet writes inverse.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.

The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

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