Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Every calendar’s days are numbered.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Is there another word for synonym?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?’
How is it possible to have a civil war?
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Why can’t women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Only in America… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can’t see them when you’re in space?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she’d dye.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Definition of a will? – a dead giveaway
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I married my wife for her looks…but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
What do people in China call their good plates?
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Once you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?
Why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
Banning the bra was a big flop.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him… is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles!
Half the people you know are below average.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I got a sweater for Christmas…I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
Only in America… do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?
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